Intro
A             C#7 
 Alf was seventeen 
        D 
 When he saw Penelope 
            Bm 
 She was the woman of his dreams 
 
A              C#7 
 She was twenty-six 
D 
 But nine is just a number 
Bm                           E 
 When it all comes down to it 
 
Verse
A                        E 
 And he watched her from afar 
      Bm 
 Until one day he plucked the courage 
                     D 
 To say you look like a movie star 
 
A                        E 
 But Penelope brushed it off 
Bm 
 And said why don't you come back, Alf, when 
D                E 
 You've got a job 
 
D        A              E 
 So he worked the paper round 
D            A              E 
 Until he had himself five pounds 
D            C#m            E 
 Bought a bouquet of roses red 
D          A                 E 
 Penelope turned around and said 
 
Chorus
 A                           C#7 
 Alfred Benson, you're such a gent 
                       D 
 But I didn't mean to lead you on 
        C#m            Bm   E 
 That was never my intent 
 
 A                           C#7 
 Alfred Benson, you're such a doll 
 C#                 D                    C#m 
 You should find a girl that treats you right 
              Bm     E 
 And take her home 
 
 Verse
A              C#7 
 Out of the blue 
D              C#m 
 Alf is twenty three and now 
 Bm                E 
 Penelope is thirty two 
 
A                        C# 
 As he smiled across the bar 
 D                    C#m 
 She rolled her eyes enticingly 
     Bm                 E 
 And gestured from afar 
 
A                           E 
 She told Alf about her new guy 
    Bm 
 And said they've booked the wedding 
     D 
 For the seventh of July 
 
A                        E 
 Alfred's head was in a state 
   Bm 
 But he offered her a drink 
              D             E 
 Since it was time to celebrate 
 
Pre-Chorus
D           A              E 
 And so he ordered the first round 
D                         A                  E 
 And they drank until the stools were upside down 
D                 A                E 
 As she finished off her glass of red 
D          C#m             E 
 Drunkenly she turned and said 
 
Chorus
A                               C#7 
 Alfred Benson, he's just not my type 
                 D 
 He never buys me flowers 
            C#m                Bm   E 
 He doesn't hold me in the night 
 
 A                            C#7 
 Alfred Benson, I wish you were mine 
   C#m7             D 
 We could run away 
               C#m             Bm    E 
 And leave this dreary life behind 
 
Verse
Bm                   E 
 And now for chapter three 
A               E                F#m 
 Alfred Benson's in his late thirty's 
Bm                                    E 
 Penny is married with children of her own 
A              G#m               F#m 
 Sadly not with Alfred who's all alone 
 
Bm                                    E 
 But one day in the summer of thirty-three 
               A 
 Alfred went to Penny's house 
G#m                    F#m 
 And he got down on one knee 
D                         E 
 Pleading, could you marry me? 
 
Outro
A                            C#7 
 Alfred Benson, no, don't you dare 
                         D 
 You could've had the world, my love, 
            C#m           Bm                      E 
 But you're not going anywhere (not dressed like that) 
 
A                                 C# 
 Alfred Benson, you're just not the one 
                     D                    C# 
 Of course you know I loved you, but this stops now 
           Bm 
 We had our fun 
                   E        A 
 My darling, Alfred Benson, love.